'Happiest Season' Abby shows us that having boundaries doesn't make you a mean person
I love some good family dysfunction at the holidays because nothing says jolly-olly-Christmas-time like reverting back to your thirteen year old self and fighting with your siblings like cats and dogs. Tis the season folks!
I’m excited to explore Abby because it’s not hard to love this character and her warmth and kindness.
But before I do, you may have noticed, I’ve refrained from talking about who the actors are that play these fictional characters. It feels like one thing to pick apart fictional characters without their consent and a totally other thing to talk about actual human beings, so I want to tread lightly here for just a moment.
Can we all agree that Kristen Stewart seems so much happier and more at ease with herself as an actor in this movie? I mean, wow, this piece would feel incomplete without noting this. As an avid Twilight fan, I can now look back on those movies and you can almost taste the internal cringey-ness she felt on the inside. She did her best given the circumstances of twinkly vampires and shirtless man-wolves, but dang, she just seems so much more comfortable now and that makes me very happy to see.
So let’s process Abby’s choice.
My therapist’s eye caught: Boundaries
Why they’re important: Boundaries are connected to our self-worth
What we can takeaway: Sometimes the most loving thing for both you and the person you’re in relationship with is to say no.
Beloved Abby. The girl has been dealt some tough cards. You learn that her parents both died when she was just 19 and that the Christmas season was this incredibly special time with her family. After their death, it was just too much to really engage with the whole jolly season, so housesitting pets became the next best alternative. Here’s why I really admire this character: even with the loss of her parents, she still has this soft, tender, and incredibly giving heart. Sometimes, a little too giving, but no one’s perfect and she’s just wholesome all around.
So wholesome in fact, that when Harper blasts her with the news that she’s been hiding both her own sexuality and her relationship with Abby from her family back home, Abby decides to put her feelings aside and care for Harper and the tough place she’s put herself in. Throughout the entire movie, Abby is so attuned to Harper. You can tell how much she loves her and wants good for her. You hear her say throughout, “I know this is best for her. I just want to support her. I know this is hard for her.”
I do need to share that when I first watched the movie and watched Riley and Abby’s connection growing, I noticed myself getting a little edgy. My mind went to this place of, “Oh, of course they are going to get closer and closer as Harper drives Abby away and then in a moment of weakness and confusion Riley and Abby will kiss and then of course Harper will walk in at that moment and the storyline will no longer be about how harmful Harper’s choices are, it will be about Abby having to make up for what happened.” But whew, I’m glad that didn’t actually happen because it was really important that the attention stay on Harper and Abby’s relationship and Riley just being a really good friend. Plus, storylines where one character cheats on the other in situations like these are annoying and overused in my opinion.
PS. I have read and heard about the many twitter threads that were cheering for Riley and Abby. I don’t necessarily disagree that Riley would totally be the “healthier” partner but for the sake of the story, I’m glad it happened the way it did…
The chaos and hurt continues unfolding throughout the storyline and you likely know from your own life that one has a limit on how long they can look the other way and put their feelings and needs on the back burner.
Hence the need for these beautiful but so hard to implement things called *boundaries*
Boundaries are these lines, well, I like to think of them more as fences that when needed can be moved closer or further away from us to keep us safe, compassionate, and kind. Compassionate? Yes! You heard that right! Boundaries aren’t mean or unkind….it’s actually when we don’t implement healthy boundaries that we act mean and unkind. How dare the person not read my mind and act the way I want/need them to act! Lol.
As I watched this movie, I was impressed with Abby’s boundaries. Back when I talked all things Harper, we went over that scene where Harper gaslighted the s-h-i-t out of Abby. I loved how Abby stood up for herself. I don’t know if you recall, but there’s this moment where Abby almost blurts out that she was planning to propose to Harper. Instead, she doesn’t say it and chooses to walk away. VERY GOOD MOVE ABBY! I mean, talk about even having boundaries with herself. It’s like her brakes came on in that moment and said, “I know you’re really hurting and the person you love most is turning into someone you don’t recognize and you want to hurt back but using the ring and proposing and y’alls marriage to each other as a ploy to hurt her more than she just hurt you is an off-limits path that we are not going down for your sake and hers.”
And we learn from watching Abby that boundaries are closely connected to self-worth.
It was less about Harper in that moment than it was Abby choosing to stay connected to her self-worth and not use their future marriage as a chip in the game.
In one of my favorite scenes at the Christmas party, Abby confides in Riley and says, “Yesterday, I’d never felt closer to a person in my entire life and know I don’t, I don’t know her. I thought she loved me and was happy but I see her here and she’s so terrified of what everyone thinks, it’s just making me wonder who the real Harper is, you know?” To which the sage and glorious Riley offers, “Well maybe they both are.” Damn! What. A. Word.
As the night goes on, Abby’s compassionate understanding for Harper’s plight diminishes like the sand in an hourglass until it’s just no longer there and Abby says, “no more.” She made the absolute right call because there’s a certain point when it stops being about compassion and understanding and it starts being about your own integrity. Just as Harper had to confront her own self, Abby does too.
What we can takeaway: The most loving thing you can do for both yourself and the people you are in relationship with is to remove yourself until things change.
This reminds me of the two choice parenting theory that Brenè Brown has talked about a few times. I’ve found it works for people of all ages, you’d just change the language up a bit so you’re not talking to your partner like they’re 5 because that would definitely go over super well. I trust you can get the hang of it pretty quickly!
Basically it goes a little like this: “If you choose to keep saying mean things, you’re going to need to go to your room for the afternoon and you can’t make cookies with us. But if you choose to stop being mean, we can all keep making cookies together. I’ll be really sad if you choose to keep saying mean things because I love when we all spend time together, but it’s going to be your choice.” And then you let the kid make their decision and chose the next move.
In a way, this is what Abby did as she said packed her bags to leave and told Harper, “You not telling your parents about us is a choice you made…do you know how painful it has been to watch the person I love choose to hide me?” Clear, kind, and to the point.
While you hopefully know how the movie ends because if not, I’m definitely spoiling it, this boundary had to be created and set.
As I named earlier, it was the kindest, most loving thing to do for both of them to say, “I love you, but I’m no longer willing to do this and I’m tapping out until you’re ready to live in truth.”
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To the Abby’s of the world that keep their heart soft, whose lives are lived in truth, that call their people on their bullshit, that love so generously, and who teach us about kindness and authenticity, thank you dear soul’s…we do not deserve your tenderness, and you make this world a truer and more beautiful place to live.
Alrighty, folks, this has been oh-so-fun! Join me in a few days time as we unpack the glory and goodness of John and why we all need our own John’s to get us through!
I will make a small confession and share that as a beloved watcher of Schitt’s Creek, I have no shame in telling you how much joy the Levy men’s eyebrows bring to me. The fullness. The intensity. My God, what a treat!
Until next time!
BB