Happiest Seasons' Jane is the Unsung Hero you didn't know you needed
Disclaimer: I am a licensed therapist, but let’s be clear that I’m writing this from my own couch with the RHOSLC playing in the background, not the couch I see clients on, so it goes without saying this isn’t a substitute for actual medical advice or any form of mental-health treatment. Get your own therapist yo! And because being a therapist isn’t necessarily a hat one can simply take on and off, my analytical brain babbles to me everywhere I go, even on my own couch where I try to watch TV in peace. This part of me doesn’t like being turned off, so she gets a seat on the couch too. I then realized her thoughts weren’t half-bad and that it would be kind to give her voice more space, so here we are. These are her thoughts, unless that is, they come from someone smarter and if so, will be noted accordingly.
p.s. This wasn’t sponsored by HULU. But HULU, if you need a therapist to watch your shows and movies and offer unsolicited feedback, you know where to reach me!
I watched HULU’s Happiest Season three times yesterday. In all fairness, the two glasses of wine I had at Thanksgiving dinner (your thirties are so fun!!!) made my head hurt and making decisions was hard, so rather than face the peril of what to watch next, HULU made it easy to just hit “watch again” and that’s what I did. Times three. Highly recommend folks! Trailer is below just in case you haven’t heard or seen about this Christmas jolly gem!
And let me just say, I haven’t seen a Christmas movie this good in a very long time! An actual plot, characters with depth, a wholehearted love story that centers around two gay women…I mean, what a Christmas miracle!
If you haven’t watched it, here’s your cue and I’ll see you back here in an hour and a half. It’s so good. And I know you just want someone to tell you what to watch because you and I are both afraid to know the cumulative hours we’ve spent scrolling on said platforms in 2020 trying to find something to watch. Godspeed y’all.
So let’s break up the most notable tidbits into five parts that I’ll sprinkle out over the next few days. We will cover Harper’s gaslighting, John’s friendship, the parents perfectionism but I wanted to start FIRST with the unsung hero of the whole spectacle, Jane! Settle in as we put the FUN back in dysFUNctional families! I’m sorry that was so bad, please don’t leave. ;)
So let’s dig in shall we?!
Jane, the unsung hero you didn’t know you needed.
I mean, wow, what a high energy, awkward, comic-con goddess that is so completely okay being herself that it makes the whole family just C-R-I-N-G-E to pieces! Did she make you cringe just a little too?! I think that’s part of her glory.
My therapist’s eye caught: Differentiation
Why it’s important to note: People will have a lot of feelings about you being yourself.
What we can takeaway: Loneliness ought to be an expected side effect.
The Caldwell’s family vibe is not uncommon, in fact, we probably all know family’s like this, maybe you even saw parts of your family reflected back in the film. There’s a high value placed on sameness, fitting in, and always looking good. You’re beautiful or at least you need to be, you’re always running towards the next accomplishment, and your humanness is absolutely something to hide. When it does show up, Mom and Dad won’t let you forget about it. Sound familiar? Insert wobbly face emoji here.
But then there’s Jane.
She’s the shining, misfit prophetess of the family. The one who refused to get rid of her humanness (much to the family’s chagrin) and kept showing up as exactly herself. But it wasn’t without a cost, and that’s an important lesson she has to teach us.
And that’s differentiation.
Psychotherapist David Schnarch calls this “differentiation” and he discusses at length in his book Passionate Marriage. While the idea is referring to couples, it works in the family system too. Here’s a great explanation:
“Differentiation is your ability to maintain your sense of self when you are emotionally and/or physically close to others…Differentiation permits you to maintain your own course when lovers, friends, and family pressure you to agree and conform. Well-differentiated people can agree without feeling like they’re “losing themselves” and they can disagree without feeling alienated and embittered.”
Jane shows us that there is a cost of differentiating.
Even if it wasn’t always a conscious choice to “differentiate” it certainly wasn’t a free one. Instead of getting rid of her self to fit in, her family just got rid of her in more ways than one.
The bedroom in the basement.
The Mom sharing that they just stopped trying when Jane wouldn’t stop biting at three years old.
Being more of an assistant than a daughter to her Dad because any attention is better than no attention.
Constantly ridiculed by her family for being too much.
Too excited.
Too touchy.
Too…herself.
It’s important to note here that people will have a lot of feelings about you being yourself.
Let’s unpack that more, yes? While the Caldwell family loves to rail on Jane…my suspicion is that the constant stifling of Jane is fueled by each person’s resentment of Jane’s unfledged freedom to be completely herself. The rage they inflict on her, is really every single family member’s internal rage of feeling like they can’t be themselves, that they have to be shiny and neat for the approval of the outside world. They hate that Jane doesn’t have to (in actuality, chooses not to) play by those rules. While the story centers around Harper’s reluctance and ambivalence to come out to her family, every single person in that family has parts that are longing to come out and live from a place of truthfulness.
This is also why I am a believer that every single person can benefit from therapy. When you take responsibility for your own shadow, you don’t need to project your junk onto other people, you don’t manipulatively bring folks into your chaos, and it won’t come out in violent, harmful, or aggressive ways. (I’m looking at you Harper, but we will get to that in a few days!!) Kapeesh? Kaposh.
And speaking of shadow, Jane is not without her own shadow parts that she needs to confront.
Her face might not show hurt and she may have decades of conditioning under her belt to make her family’s comments seem like they roll off her back, but it’s clear she does have feelings about how poorly she’s treated. Jane eventually names her heart’s desire: “I am something. And guess what, I like myself. And maybe you all don’t because I’m not fancy, but whether you like it or not I am a part of this family and I will not be left out anymore.”
What we can takeaway: Even if we are comfortable and confident being ourselves, we will likely have to reckon with a fair share of loneliness from time to time.
It was good, really good to watch her choose herself and get angry for herself. Selfishly, I want her to choose herself a little (a lot) more when it comes to how her parents treat her, but that is another story that I will have to imagine in my own head.
While being fully yourself has so many rewards, I’m afraid it also comes with a heavy dose of loneliness at times, especially with your family. I’m wondering if you too, have felt those familiar pangs of loneliness? You want to be yourself and you want belong. Unfortunately the two don’t often go hand in hand.
I find that when we actually make space for our loneliness, it can bring about some relief internally. Our loneliness is telling us the truth. It’s saying, “I want and crave intimacy with the people I love, but I don’t want that intimacy at the expense of myself.”
The worst thing we can do is to expect ourselves to stay lit up and sparkly like our Christmas trees all.the.time. But you know how we turn off our Christmas trees at night because we don’t want to risk starting a fire…let this serve as a great metaphor that you too need time to be off.
I’ve heard both personally and professionally that some folks are relieved that this year’s holidays won’t include a trip back to their family’s home. Your relief is totally okay and merited. While Jane has such the hopeful and jovial attitude, that can be a lot to expect of ourselves if we do not find ourselves having the countenance of a happy elf 365 days a year. I have, like, 5, really happy elf-like days a month, so...no sweat if your big feelings and moods need a lot more breathing room than Jane!
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If you find yourself identifying as the black sheep, the scapegoat, or what I like to call the prophet of the family; the one whose stubborn heart just won’t let you conform to who your parents need you to be, the one who holds a mirror up of truth, the one who stands out because you don’t actually have it within you to stand in, I salute you.
You’ll probably…eventually…find yourself on a couch in a therapists’ office and you’ll learn about boundaries and telling people no and not tolerating being treated like shit and all that good stuff, but for now, I just want you to know that I think you are incredible and I thank you so, so much for being yourself.
Alrighty, that’s a wrap on Jane! Stay tuned for an in-depth look at Harper and how sister’s got a lot of work to do…
Until next time friends,
Bb
